Return to blogging?

Well this feels very strange. I have not logged into my blog account for about 2 years!

There are many reasons for this and I don't even know if I have the words to explain it all here, right now, in a digestible blog post for any interested readers; but I think it's worth a try.

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I have returned to the blogosphere maybe just for this one post? Maybe for another year? Maybe forever... who knows?!  

So 2018 started out as a difficult year. I was in a job that to brought me joy but I was in an environment that was making me physically and mentally not very well. I was desperate for a break and I got it! At the end of 2018 I was accepted onto a funded training course to become part of a new government backed workforce in the NHS for children and young people's mental health - 1 year training in a field I was passionate about and ready to throw myself into, fully funded and with a salary (which was also a big increase on my current salary so win win win!)

Not only that but at the end of 2018 I passed my driving test and moved into my first home with my partner which we had been saving for since graduating 18 months earlier. So my 2019 started off exactly how I had wanted it... a fresh start, my "big break", ready to take on the world with so much energy and light and positivity.

Fast forward 6 months and I think I hit one of my darkest places I ever have been in. And this dark place is somewhere I only am just starting to find myself crawling out of. I am nowhere near there yet, I know I have a lot of work to do but one thing I can take from the last 8 months is that I have not given up. Even though everyday is literally a battle against a screaming voice telling me to just give up and lock myself away forever, I have NOT given in to it and I'm finally starting to see a glimmer of light at the end of it. Working within mental health services I felt ashamed for so long about how I was feeling - I know it's completely hypocritical and ironic - because my perfectionist side of me was telling me I wasn't allowed to struggle and show weakness especially not in this job. It just wasn't professional to have my own mental health struggles whilst helping others with them too, was it?

Actually I have come to learn this is complete and utter NONSENSE (to put it politely). And I can honestly say that although I am not where I want to be I have come to accept and acknowledge some of my own battles which is making it easier for me to connect back to a job that I genuinely love to do and know I can do well.

So being on this emotional rollercoaster of life, coupled with a crushing workload (welcome to the NHS), absolutely no desire for self-care or self-love, increased withdrawal from family and friends and just a general lack of hope for change, I guess blogging and writing - which I found so much peace and hope in - just vanished for me.

My blog was always used primarily as a way for me to help myself by expressing myself and sharing what I like. And secondary to that my hope was to help at least one person feel connected or less lonely in their experiences with every blog post. In the last few weeks, where I have been trying to go within myself a little deeper, explore where my passion for positivity and wellbeing and helping others has gone and find some spark again, I remembered my times of blogging and got to wondering why it ever stopped? What was holding me back from doing it again?

- Should I start blogging again? "No you failed at it, no point going back".

- But what if it gives you that spark again? "No one will read it or everyone who does will think you're stupid for trying." 

But then I looked over some of my old blog posts and found these words that I wrote about taking risks in 2017:

I guess the message I am trying to put out there is take a chance on yourself and do something that is really in line with your values, your passions, your dreams and you won't regret it. Even if you don't get the outcome you desire, you would have walked away with a sense of power and personal self-love that will only empower you to be the best version of yourself in everything that you do. 

So I'm back attempting to re-connect with something that brought me so much contentment and joy and hoping for the best. Taking a leap of faith, trying to be courageous and learn a thing or two from 21 year old, recent graduate Paige.

As said, I have a lot more growing and learning and healing to do with my own inner battles but something has been calling me back to write to help me get out of my mind and connect with people who read what I write even if just one person! So here we are... back to the blogosphere!


Side note: it's also April 2020, we're in quarantine because of Covid-19 and like everyone else I'm re-connecting with old hobbies and taking advantage of such a blessed opportunity to SLOW DOWN!

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For those that haven't read any blog posts of mine before, firstly thank you for taking the time to read this and showing some interest in what I'm doing with my spare time, I really am grateful for every person that reads the words I write.

I want to give a little bit of background to my blog for you: I started blogging in my second year of university. I had started to discover mindfulness and wellness and had a real passion for it that I wanted to share with others. I was also on the lookout for a new hobby to keep me busy outside of lectures and study. Ironically, it was at another time in my life where I wanted to give up! Anyway... so I started writing some stuff down, sharing some tips/advice around mindfulness and wellness that I had been trying out myself, trying to bring a bit of lightness to my life and those of others and just generally creating a little online journal that I was happy to share with others.

I have left all of my old blog posts up on my website if you wish to go back and look back at them. I don't know what I am going to use this space for yet, maybe much of the same thing? Maybe something completely different but I hope you stick around to see and be on this journey with me.

Take good care, Paige x